Twins Help

Discipline Times Two

Long Sleeve T-Shirt Sets

By Christine W. Koubek

"When I would say, 'Don't bite, That hurts,' my oldest daughter would stop. With my twins, the word "no" is a game to them. They seem to have confidence in numbers" -Wanda, mother of 17-month-old girls, and a 4 year old daughter.

"It’s difficult to discipline one (twin) when their cohort is laughing" - Beth, mother of 5 year old boys

"They're right on top of each other all of the time" - Nancy, mother of 9 year old boys

Many parents of twins discover discipline challenges that parents of singletons never face. For example, the positive discipline approach of sitting down with a child after an outburst, making eye contact, and encouraging the child to think of ways to solve a problem, seems impossible when the other twin is barging in, or worse yet, laughing, during your discussion. In addition, one of the primary disciplinary issues with twins is the constant provoking that goes on between them from an early age.

But don't give up your sanity yet. Great ideas are out there from fellow mothers of twins, tucked away in general books on discipline, and from the people who work with children of the same age all-day long - teachers. Here are five tips to get you started, along with suggestions on where to find more information.

Taking Turns:
As children grow, their ability to share and have a sense of time, enable them to comprehend taking turns, albeit reluctantly. One of the following variations on the “timer” theme may work well depending on the age of your twins:

"Now that they are two, I get the twin without the sought-after item to count to ten while the other one plays. It usually works well, as the counter is absorbed with counting and not concentrating on the lack of a toy. The other one knows when the time will be up and is more prepared to let go," says Anna, mother of 2-year-old girls. "They usually happily hand over the toy at the sound of ten, knowing they have control over when it will come back."

As your children grow, you can extend the length of a turn to an entire day. If you have a task, or a privilege that only one child can do, let the day of the week decide whose turn it will be. Assign odd days for one child and even for the other. After a few days practice, when only one child says, "I want to watch Blue’s Clues today!" you can reply "Whose day is it?"

Time-out for Toys:
Whenever possible, re-direction can be an effective tool to fend off an oncoming battle, however, catching all fights before they happen is far from easy. In that case, when taking turns with the Tonka truck has taken on volcanic proportions, or the crayon can't seem to stay on the paper and away from the wall, give the toy a time out. "If the girls are drawing and start to move away from the paper I will give up to three warnings that if they don't stay on the paper the crayon will go bye-bye" says Anna.

Choices within Limits:
"A lot of times (children) are having a tantrum over lack of control - they want a say in whatever is going on" says Nancy, mother of 9-year-old boys. Choices such as: "Do you want to wear the shirt with the train on it today or the one with the bear?" or "Do you want Cheerios or Raisin Bran for breakfast?" provide children with some control over the smaller things in their life, thereby making it easier for them to respond positively to direction on the important decisions.

The Power of Routines:
Take a break and let a routine be the boss. An effective way to minimize conflicts and maximize cooperation is to borrow a frequently used tool from the teacher’s toolbox - routines. When a child knows what to expect every day - that lunchtime is followed by naptime, naptime is followed by snack time, and snack time is followed by project time, children tend to go along with the routine.
Lynn, mother of a 3-year-old boy and girl, has found routines to be effective in minimizing uncooperative behavior at the start of the day and bedtime. "They watch Barney, eat a piece of Matzo with their father and finish their milk. Then we march to bed after Barney, they get in to their pajamas, I read them a book, sing a song while I rock them, then it's time for sleep" says Lynn. "I rarely have problems at bedtime."

Creating an Atmosphere that Fosters Good Behavior:
"A very important way to manage children is to affirm and reward positive behavior" says Ellen Cromwell, Director & Founder of Georgetown Hill Early Childhood Centers in Montgomery County, MD, and author of Nurturing Readiness in Early Childhood Education: A Whole Child Model for Children Ages 2-5.

Be alert to the little gestures children make that go unnoticed - the coasters they are proud to have lined up in a row, or the "you’re-welcome" they recently verbalized. By noticing them, you're re-affirming them, which leads to better behavior. Remember that your twins are individuals so your compliments might be different at times. Complimenting one twin on her manners might encourage the other twin to do the same. Later, find something to compliment the other twin about.

In addition, it is important to discover what patterns, or changes, seem to trigger negative behavior in your child so you can talk about them in advance. "Rehearse with the children what is going to happen - it works wonders," says Pamela Trumble, Director and teacher at Franklin Montessori School, in North Potomac, MD. It could be as simple as getting through a visit to Grandma's house and deciding who will get to play the piano first, or as complex as going away on vacation, the key is to work out a plan together of how the situation can be handled.

Special Time:
Nance frequently invites just one child to run to the store with her in an effort to spend special time with each boy. "It gives me a chance to interact with them separately, and that is when I find out the good stuff."
Make sure to spend special time with each child separately many times a week. According to Faber & Mazlish, authors of Siblings Without Rivalry, "Children thrive on the warmth and intimacy of private moments with their parents. This one-on-one connection provides the emotional nourishment kids need to be more caring or at the very least more tolerant of their siblings"

For more information, and detailed examples of techniques that will provide you with long-term sanity as well as emotionally healthy, responsible children, the following resources are packed with enlightening information:

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish - this former New York Times Bestseller has numerous exercises to help put their techniques in to action.

Mothering Twins by Linda Albi, Deborah Johnson, Debra Catlin, Donna Florien Duerloo, and Sheryll Greatwood - an excellent resource for many issues involving twins. The chapter on preschool twins not only offers several useful suggestions on discipline but also offers personal accounts from each author.

Loving Your Child is Not Enough: Positive Discipline that Works by Nancy Samalin, and Martha Moraghan Jablow - Child care expert Nancy Samalin provides a guide to the challenges and rewards of raising two or more children. She provides specific examples to help parents deal with competing demands, sibling rivalry, and accusations of unfairness.

Christine Koubek is a freelance writer, and mother of a 3-year-old boy.

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